Tuesday, November 11, 2008


fair warning: i suck at my november goal and this is going to be another picture-less entry. this is going to be grumpy and emotional, so be prepared, or flip a bitch and head for the hills now.

i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of everyone. while i appreciate that people care enough about me to share their opinions, about everything, i dont need any more advice. i need support. i need to feel appreciated. i need to know that i'm more than someone to clean up everyone's messes and run everyone's errands. i'm a run-down mother way before my time.

i dont need to be told that i need to wear a veil to my wedding. this is not 1940 and i dont want a veil. if i want to take pictures before the wedding, then i'm going to. if i want to wear my hair down, i'm going to. i'm tired of everyone questioning every move i make. i'm tired of people thinking that being rude is funny. i'm tired of people thinking that being irresponsible is trendy.

i need to live my own life. i'm stuck being a child and i cant do it anymore. i cant live here where someone else is in charge. but that doesnt matter to anyone but me apparently. i feel like i'm going nowhere, i feel like we're going nowhere, but the one person who is supposed to care about me more than anyone else doesnt seem to be phased by it.

i've been on the verge of a breakdown for a long time and its finally hit me. i dont know how to stop it. i dont feel like i'm worthy. no matter what i say, its never good enough. he doesnt understand that nothing is ever going to be perfect and ideal like he dreams it to be, and he won't trust me when i say that we're going to be okay. i dont know how to get him to believe me, and its crushing me more and more everyday.

enough of my whining. i just needed to get it out.

1 comment:

Ashlee said...

this makes me sad :( We will talk on friday. ALL NIGHT if we have too. After we get drunk okay?