nightmares.

basically, i'm never going to sleep again. i had a wedding nightmare last night. all of my friends from high school were all getting married on the same day and we were all getting ready in a rec room and i had nothing. no dress, no jewelry, no marriage license, no ring bearer pillow, no makeup, nothing. i was freaking out and bawling and no one seemed to care. then i woke up.

this week has been very trying. i'm so sick of dealing with incompetence that i could scream. i'm tired of rearranging my life for other people, only to be continually let down. i'd like to say that i'm done doing things for other people, when i know that it doesnt matter to them, because i'm only a stone to be stepped on, but i know that i'm not. i'll never be done because i, as well as everyone else, know better. i care too much about things that i shouldnt, because other people do.

my new years resolution was to do more things for myself. which sounds terrible, but i thought it was pretty worthwhile. i'm always running around doing things for others, never anything for myself. so i thought i'd give it a shot. turns out, i dont even have time to take a shower, let alone do anything else for myself.

wedding stuff is really killing my brain right now. i'm excited to get married, but i'm much more excited to BE married. all this stuff leading up to it, the planning, the calling, the PAYING, the everything, is exhausting. i cant do it all myself, but i have a problem that i really cant, and wont, ask people for help. i know its my fault that i'm this exhausted because i wont ask for help, but i hate it. jesse has helped a little, which is great. i dont expect him to be all into this stuff like i am, but what he's done so far has been nice.

today is a day for me. even though all i'm going to be doing is wedding stuff, i'm going to spend time with me. no customers, no grocery store, no phone. i'm going to try and make teriyaki chicken for lunch and see how it turns out. and i'm going to listen to the music i want, and watch the movies i want, with no one else's opinions.

i suppose thats all for now. my brain and heart feel a little lighter getting that all out. i'm off to make more invitations. maybe they'll be done by our honeymoon...

oh yeah, since i've been crazy busy and not blogging lately, i'm going to set another blog goal for myself. who knows if i'll be able to make it to the computer everyday in february, but i'm going to try. february will be a month of lists. of my favorite things, of life goals, and of anything i can think of. we'll see how i do.